Searching for a Calling

Over the past few weeks, probably due to a lack of enough to do at work, I’ve become obsessed with finding my calling/purpose/passion. The reason for starting this blog was in part so that I can start voicing ideas in my quest for enlightenment (harhar). There are many ways in which I can explain what it is that I think I’m interested in. All of these conceptions are fundamentally connected – over the weekend, I came up with the following way of structuring it (I’ve actually essentially  already thought about it in this way, but I’ve never really articulated it anywhere outside my brain). Basically, I’m interested in the most quantitative and qualitative extremes:

1) logic, order, science, numbers, statistical significance, proof

2) that which can’t be generalized or quantified,  what is hard to explain and articulate (at least for me, since I’m not a writer) but what we intrinsically understand and sense, what lies within the boundaries of every person, what divides us and what connects us, the smallest differences between individuals, perception as a tinted window in front of everything as we know it

these poles of my brain are what motivate me in seemingly opposite directions -

…the former attracts me to economics, numbers, logic, strategy consulting;

…the latter to art, books, film, fascination with others and the smallest details of their lives and stories, voyeurism.

You could say that the former represents my assets and the latter my interests. I suppose for this reason, I’ve pursued the former professionally, but I think the opportunity, and thus, my “calling” lies in bridging the gap between these two domains.

I’ve thought about this extensively (probably too extensively).

For example, I can’t become a writer, and probably not even a filmmaker – I don’t have the rhetorical or creative talent or ability that drives creation from its conception. My ability rests in the logic that (usually, not always) must lie in the foundation of a successful novel or film. This is why I have been drawn to producing, but as I’ve  realized over and over – I have no exposure to this field and I have no way to really know if this is something I’d be good at or interested in. And then there is of course the tiny issue of breaking into an incredibly exclusive and hard to penetrate field.

Over the last few weeks I’ve been considering other potential paths I can follow, paths that combine the aspects of these 2 poles. There is entrepreneurism in a creative field  (i.e.: fashion, art) – this path requires other qualities and assets that I don’t possess – risk taking and connections, to name two. There is also the fact that while I think I would like running a handbag line, this path would neglect the humanistic questions that constantly drive me. I’m not sure if this is a deal breaker for me, but especially with a field like fashion (and even more so if it’s high-end fashion) I might feel divorced from meaning.

Then there is academia… recently I have been thinking about economics, behavioral economics to be specific. I realized the other day though, that I’m really not interested in economics…what appeals to me is economic thinking, economic process (econometrics). I think I’d be interested in applying this kind of process and thinking to the ideas and subjects that I’m interested in – I don’t know where they would really fall, some intersection between psychology, sociology, anthropology, maybe even literature. I don’t know if this is being done or if there is a place for this kind of work. I also don’t know if I’m committed to going through the ordeal that is graduate school, academic placement, tenure, etc.

For these reasons, I can’t seem to commit to any of these paths. All I know is that I somehow need to bring these poles together. With the latter pole, the obvious way to pursue my interest in human behavior and art is writing or filmmaking; but as I’ve explained, I don’t have the pure talent to pursue these paths. The former pole, dominated by logic, method, and science, is essentially the path that I’ve laid for myself thus far, it’s what I’m doing already, yet it’s become clear that this isn’t enough for me – I’m not fulfilled. Somewhere there has to be a bridge, I just need to find it… or build it.